I know you. You’re a skilled hospitality leader running a successful restaurant brand. You’ve been working at this location for a while and, not too long ago, you were a server or cook at this vey restaurant. You came up through the ranks and now you’re running the show. Hashtag pride, hashtag lifer, hashtag lovinit. And hashtag exhausted, frustrated, and at your wit’s end. Your biggest complaint is that your team isn’t showing up like you need them to. They do the job, sure, but they keep you busy accommodating their schedules, managing their sections on the floor, and listening to their drama. It’s exhausting.

You’re likely suffering from empathy fatigue. When your greatest asset - your compassion, consideration of others, and thoughtfulness - is simply wearing you out. I see this in many of my hospitality leaders, both front and back of house. What has happened is that empathy, this essential skill, has overpowered your authority with your team, leaving you exhausted and your team entitled, flighty and spoiled. Instead of empowered, committed and collaborative.

If you want a team of empowered, capable hospitality pros then you have to teach them how to become all of those things. It doesn’t happen on its own and you can actually influence the behaviors your employees demonstrate and bring to work. Here are a few ways to create an empowered team while you push your overworked empathy to the side:

Your empathy is taking the form of “a highly responsive manager”:

• If you are dependably responsive to your team’s needs then you need to remind them that they are in charge of their own needs. Thus, if you are quick to accommodate schedule requests, consider setting up parameters that respect your time first. Maybe you do a 6-month schedule - as one general manager I coached does. This way, you’re training your team members to think ahead, make plans, and respect their place of employment. If you keep responding to them the balance of power is all wrong; asking them to think ahead empowers them to take stock of their own schedules and priorities and state them within the framework that you have created.

Your empathy is showing up as “an energetic helper & problem-solver”:

• If you’re quick to help out your crew on the floor or in their stations when you see they are struggling it’s essential that, before diving in, you ask questions about the process. This will help your team better understand what they need to improve next time so that they don’t find themselves regularly in the weeds. As a leader you must ask questions in order to get your employees to think through their choices. Otherwise they might not challenge their current practices. A person who takes time to think about their choices will realize that they have options and these options can be utilized in the future. When you fill in the blanks you remove options and this keeps you in the responsive position and creates a helpless team.

Your empathy is demonstrated as “immune to distractions”:

• If you’re the one who is always getting stopped by your team - to ask for advice, to vent, to complain about the operation - you must ensure you’re putting your time and needs first. As the boss you must respect your calendar and ensure that you’re able to get your work done. For some of us, it can feel satisfying to be the rock and confidante…it can make you feel needed and trustworthy. But in fact, each time someone bends your ear, you may be avoiding or ignoring what is most important to you in that moment. It is crucial that you protect your very precious time. “I”m afraid I’m in the middle of something, I’ll get back to you in (minutes, hours, days).” “I need to think about that, hang tight.” And even “I don’t have time now; you can book time with me tomorrow, send me a text.” Each of these protects your time and even gives pause to the asker; often their need is fleeting and the issue at hand is not that important after all. This also ensures that they are taking responsibility for making time to talk with you in a professional setting which helps you avoid the “drive by” sessions that may have worked when you were on the same level but now simply don’t work for you in your role as a leader..

The key is to remember that you must respect yourself, your processes, and your needs so that you can be an energetic and effective leader. Respecting your own time and priorities sends a powerful message to your team; when you’re empowered and committed to your position you become a role model for those around you. Try it out and see how they respond. Chances are good they will see your good example and meet you at your level; allowing you all to feel more energized and empowered as a team.