Something I know about myself is that I have the “hospitality gene.” Thinking of others comes naturally and it has helped me immensely in all the roles I have filled over the years. But what I have learned is that this strength has also worked against me as a leader. Because I’m so other-centric I utilize empathy first when I could be utilizing other skills. So this thinking of others interferes with upholding the rules (I understand why you’re late), holding people accountable (I can see how busy you are), and standing up for what I believe is most important (I appreciate your point).

It’s not just me; a majority of my clients - all hospitality pros - have this same issue. This strength - being other-centric - has become too powerful and it overshadows other, crucial leadership skills (read my article about when a strength becomes too strong). Their empathy and deeply-ingrained sense of hospitality is impairing their ability to lead effectively. The CEO who has trouble negotiating with vendors because he’s so quick to acknowledge their value; the hotel GM who has a hard time keeping to deadlines because he’s so understanding of the hurdles that prevent the team from finishing a project; the executive chef who lets the rules slide since she truly understands that her team members have challenges at home. These examples are all versions of the same situation: the leader’s overactive empathy is limiting the business at the end of the day.

I say “limiting the business” because when you’re a leader every one of your decisions impacts the business you run. Where empathy is so helpful is in understanding others and creating relationships. But when you’re running a business, empathy must take a back seat to upholding the rules, achieving deadlines and thoughtfully negotiating every contract on behalf of your operation. As a leader you must understand that leadership is in public, and your team and colleagues see everything you are doing. Your team is privy to every action you take and, crucially, every action you avoid. Which passively teaches them lessons, right or wrong, about how they show up in their jobs and the decisions they make about their own work.

What I see with my hospitality-strong clients (and learned about myself) is that the business acumen is there but each skill hasn’t been as deeply developed as much as the hospitality skills have. So putting hospitality and empathy to the side means filling up that space with something else….but what? Here are two tools for keeping your abundant empathy under control:

• Focus on Your Goals:

  • Acting on behalf of the business is essential for leaders to master. It starts and ends with focusing on the goals for your business and then upholding your goals to achieve the desired result.

  • When entering a negotiation or conversation with an employee, vendor or customer, it’s important to center yourself on your goal. Is it to save money? Is it to strengthen a relationship? Is it to build something new? Resist the temptation to ask what might be important for the other person. Instead focus in and stay committed to your goal for your business, then you will be able to effectively ask for what you need in that moment.

  • Acknowledging the needs & goals of your business is the first step in a successful negotiation with others and allows you to put empathy to the side.

• Focus on the Rules:

  • The starting point for establishing yourself as a leader is clear communication of the rules, and your goals and expectations. This will not come to a surprise to your team, they expect to have rules and are simply waiting to see if you stand up for them (many leaders do not!).

  • Once you have communicated the rules, you must find out if they have any questions and if they fully understand the rule in question. This agreement between you (do you understand? Yes I do) is the point of accountability and is way more concrete than empathy alone.

  • When a team member has failed to uphold the rule then they have broken the agreement. So all you need to do now is reestablish the rule/goal/expectation and ask how they can improve in the future. You may be tempted to use empathy and understanding here. Instead focus on the agreement they made and empower your employee to share how they will take action to make improvements in pursuit of the rules, goals and expectations. Then this (I will now do xyz to uphold the rule) becomes the updated agreement.

Hospitality is an essential value in your company, but business acumen is the leading principle for success in the hospitality industry. And leadership is built on both. In every business interaction you must consider: do I need empathy in this moment? And then make a choice to promote the business by pushing your goals and upholding the rules with the person in front of you. Your clarity will go a long way in fortifying the relationship and your business deserves to come first.