What'cha Got?
When I was a cocktail waitress at Balthazar back in the 90’s I knew how to command my station. I had the drill down pat: smile, be kind, exude hospitality, hoist my tray high (to get through the crowd), and know my stuff so I could sell, sell, sell. I discovered that my height (plus my three inch heels) my long hair (worn unconstrained, health department codes be damned) and my confidence in my job gave me authority and expanded my presence. I could get through the crowd, sell thousands of dollars in products, and help people have a great time all while having a pretty good time myself. It was a golden time in my career.
One early evening, I strode to the bar, tray in hand, and waited for the drink order I had just input into the computer. As one of the only servers with guests at their tables I was alone at the service bar while the rest of the team set up the dining room. The bartender was occupied with a guest so I waited, and waited some more. But I needed my drinks so I called out his name. No response. I called out again, this time leaning across the service bar. He gave me a look then went back to his guests. I then waved my hand and called his name again; which got his full attention. He then arrived at my end of the bar, clearly exasperated with my tactics, and said “don’t you talk to me in that imperious tone, I’ll get your drinks!”
“Imperious tone?” What the what? I have to say I didn’t expect that. While half of this equation was him clearly not wanting to come at my beckoning, the other half - the me half - was perplexed. His impression of me got my attention and made me realize that the combination of my energy, posture, height and vocal strength, presented as “imperious” if not demanding and entitled. Even though, in that moment, while I was feeling quite helpless and dependent on another teammate (like a kitten), I was being viewed as direct, forceful and not backing down (like a roaring lion).
We all have things that we do or we possess that impact those around us…without us being fully aware. A student of mine shared that, as a tall man with a deep voice, he has to work at making his voice sound more friendly otherwise he can come across as domineering. A client of mine has an unflinching gaze when she is thinking, so has to make sure she keeps her face open and receptive so she doesn’t look like she is staring the other person down to intimidate them.
So I invite you to apply this to yourself. What do you possess that is communicating something that you need to be aware of? We each have something and the only way to truly know is to ask for feedback from the people you trust most; at work and and home. Three good questions to invite feedback are:
What’s one thing I should add to my communication style?
What’s one thing I should remove from my communication style?
What’s one thing I should keep in my communication style?
This technique: asking add/remove/keep is an open way to invite feedback and constructive criticism. You’re asking those around you what you’re missing, what is unnecessary, and what is a winning trait, all great insights for making sure your impact is felt in the way you intend it. You can also change the end of the sentence: instead of “my communication style” you can replace it with “my leadership style,” “my way of presenting myself,” or “my approach to others.”
Asking for feedback is a skill to embrace as it is one of the only ways to learn about the power you wield and the pitfalls that you can step into. Your trusted colleagues and friends will definitely have a few things to share that can help you see yourself as others do. And this gives you the power to adjust your approach so that you are understood in the best, most intentional way possible, while embracing and using all the gifts that you possess.
