I and You vs. We
In hospitality, especially in the front of the house, we use the word “we” a lot. With our guests, our teams, and within each action of service, “we” is a unifier that pulls people together and creates cohesion on teams. We use “we” when telling the specials (“today we’re serving Fanny Bay oysters”), when we’re revving up the team (“we always bring a high level of hospitality to everything we do”), and to show our guests they’re important to us (“we’d love to have you come in again, call me next time to make a reservation”). Something that I see leaders doing is using “we” when they could be using “I” or “you” more powerfully. This is something that comes up regularly in my coaching sessions, where my clients and I discuss how to use “I, you, or we” strategically so that they can represent themselves intentionally in their role as leader.
“I” is powerful because it tells people what is on your mind and helps you share what you need from others. “I” is used to demonstrate authority and is part of the assertiveness toolbox, which helps leaders put their viewpoints front and center without demoralizing someone else. “I” can be quite empowering in motivating others to set and achieve your expectation. Instead of saying “we need to show more care when handling glassware,” reframe this to insert your vision as a leader and say “I’d like to see more care being shown when handling glassware.” This changes the directive from a generally good idea into a goal that you need your employees to uphold.
“You” can be utilized in a couple of different ways that are essential to understand . “You” is often used inapropriately; it comes off as aggressive in that it squarely puts the focus on another person (“you never show initiative”). It can be used to place blame or to intimidate when used in this way, so it’s important to note that using “you” can be off-putting to others. However, as a leader, toggling between "I” and “you” is essential to demonstrate the power dynamic between you and your reports. This is where using both the “I” and the “you” can be a strong choice. “I need to see you take more initiative” utilizes both subjects well; employing “I” establishes your authority and “you” clarifies the expectation that it is your employee who must carry out your vision.
As I often share with my clients, the key is to experiment with using these three words. Play with using “I” when you need to make your point and “you” when you need to rally the team. And remember to bring in the magic phrase “it’s important to me….” and add the “you” which helps you set your expectation, while including your employee specifically (“it’s important to me that you xyz….”). As with any experiment, notice how your team reacts and watch what happens. I’m sure you’ll find that your team members will notice this simple but impactful adjustment and respond well to your enhanced clarity. Putting you on the same page and unifying your efforts and vision as a leader.
