Is Empathy Blocking Your Decision-Making?
Something I’ve observed recently is a lot of well-meaning leaders inadvertently putting decision-making off. What I’ve seen with my ECT clients (overly empathetic, compassionate, and thoughtful) is that they often put other’s people’s needs above their own and this shows up even when making a decision. They don’t realize they’re doing it; they’re operating under the guise of “I’m thinking of you, I want to respect your needs, I want to prevent any discomfort,” but instead they’re hampering their own ability to make a simple or crucial decision.
Decision-making is a key component of leadership and as a leader you are tasked with making decisions, large and small, while your team relies on your ability to decide well and within an appropriate span of time. However, I see these overly empathetic leaders putting off the decision in two distinct ways:
By being overly flexible and accommodating (saying “whatever works for you”)
By silently considering the feelings of others (ruminating on how the decision will impact others without asking them directly how they feel).
One would think that answering with flexibility or trying to anticipate how someone else is feeling would be helpful and compassionate, and it can be, but oftentimes it creates a void; the lack of concrete answers, within the context of a professional conversation, stalls things from moving forward.
For one, answering with too much flexibility prevents you from establishing professional boundaries. What if what your employee wants is not good for you or your business? Do you just give in and put your needs - and the needs of the company - last? That’s not what I want you, as a leader, to do. It’s perfectly fine to give some parameters to your decision. Instead of “whatever you want” you can say “how about we schedule that on Monday at 2 or Tuesday from 11-1?” You’re offering choice but with boundaries on your time and energy.
Similarly, silently considering the feelings of others is a precarious position to be in. I know this well because I used to do this all the time! Sure, I felt saintly but in fact this was not only belaboring my decision making by presenting too many “what if” scenarios (“but what if say no and xyz happens and Tony feels left out?”), it also was preventing connection and interaction with my team. We often get so caught up in “thinking of others” that we don’t actually connect with them and ask how things may affect them. Our empathy is preventing a closer connection. We can make quicker decisions when we have all of the information we need instead of imagining an outcome (“hey, if I changed your schedule next week and have you come in an hour earlier on Wednesday will that work for you?”).
You must remember, this is a professional relationship. As personal as your relationship may feel, the initial setup is that this is a professional, hierarchical relationship. Which means, as a leader, you’re in the decision-making seat and your team, no matter how skilled or intelligent they are, are in the decision-following seat. Both parties have accepted these roles in the ecosystem of your business. So, while your compassionate side is trying to prevent harm, your leadership side must move the business forward knowing that occasionally some discomfort may occur. But worrying that discomfort might happen and offering flexibility “just in case” is not actually empathetic. This is because, by supposedly preventing pain to others you’re actually preventing pain for yourself first. Which is not as empathetic as you may think.
So when you’re in the throes of a decision, think of yourself and your business first. What do you need to make the best decision, in the most appropriate period of time? Answering truthfully will help you alleviate any blockages and clarify your vision and needs for your business and your team.
