Baby Yourself in 2023
In 2022 I worked with a number of leaders (in dining room, culinary, and executive roles) who shared their stories of putting their team first. Whether it was letting other managers take holidays while they worked a tenth, eleventh, twelfth day on the floor, abandoned a meal to finish a task, or closed the operation to let another colleague go to an event; these were all stories of selfless behavior, the very thing we value most in our leaders and hospitality teams.
While I’m all for demonstrating empathy, feeling compassion, and caring for others, what I regularly see is leaders who do this for everyone on their team but themselves. And I know this only too well, because I was wired this way too (and still am, TBH). For years I pushed the envelope, worked long hours, kept the team going while I was floundering and on the verge of disintegration. Oftentimes, exhaustion becomes a way of life instead of a situation to tune in to and remedy with sleep and care. For years I would only ever get needed rest when I was in full breakdown mode; illness quickly forcing me into bed and taking me off the schedule. I used to get bronchitis every year when I was a young manager; I soon learned that working oneself to the point of exhaustion is not a healthful habit at all.
When one is physically exhausted the body does some strange things. Your body needs extra fuel and you end up burning crazy calories in a single shift; leaving you depleted and starving. When you’ve been on your feet for days in a row, your body aches and sleep doesn’t really do what it should do: heal your body, organs, and joints. When you’re living on “fumes” (ie: not resting or eating properly) your body compensates by sending your brain a hormone cocktail; the adrenaline surge is there to help you under duress, but it’s unsustainable for days on end.
When you’re mentally exhausted your decision making goes out the window, your emotions are raw, and you get tunnel vision; you tell yourself “I just have to get through this shift/day/week,” which doesn’t allow for crucial and sound decision making. Instead, you take the road of least resistance, saying yes or no haphazardly, or using “maybe” or “later” just to push off the eventual decision itself, your brain too dull to serve you. And even though the adrenaline feels like a lift, a gift to get you through, this is simply not a permanent solution. At some point your body will demand a break, your systems will slow, and eventually you will give in to the stress.
So, this past year, when my clients shared very similar stories of overwhelming fatigue, illness, and strain, I felt compassion and understanding. I find that all of my clients have a strong, sometimes overactive hospitality gene, and the idea of putting their needs first is sometimes quite foreign. But I try to help them get the care they need by introducing a new habit, the habit of self care. When I suggest that they baby themselves they are often at a loss. Just how do I do that, Kate? I get it, this is a hard muscle to loosen, so you must start small. I suggest a small step of protection every day, a small investment in self care. Here are my favorite ways to put yourself first and actively care for yourself, your mind, and your body as if it is the most precious thing in your life:
Get in bed. Seriously, cozy up as if it’s a snow day and you have the day off. Pull up the covers, close your eyes and simply rest. Put the phone away, close the computer, tuck in, and nod off. If you truly let yourself indulge in resting in bed, it can be quite restorative; a gift only you can give yourself.
Make a cup of tea. the simple act of making a tea is calming. Filling a pot, letting it boil, steeping your tea, letting it cool, and then sipping it slowly all bring some space to your day; it literally forces you to slow down and take a moment for yourself. And tea is both comforting and warming which can be an antidote to your stress.
Call a good friend. This can be done at work or at home, whenever you’re feeling depleted. Reach out to someone who knows you very well, who can put you first, who can listen to you, and who will hear you. When I started at Per Se I was so overwhelmed that I rarely reached out to friends because I felt like I didn’t have enough time…but that was an illusion; I simply wasn’t using my time to give back to me. Connecting with friends is an uplifting and comforting act of self care, it helps you fill your tank and put a smile on your face.
Bring food and treats to work. When I was managing restaurants or overseeing an opening as a consultant, I regularly missed out on the family meal altogether because I had been distracted taking care of other tasks. The only remedy was to bring snacks to work: Clifbars, nuts and, my favorite, dark chocolate hazelnut Ritter Sport bars. Each one served to give me some sustainable energy so I would have fuel for the long shift ahead. (And don’t share it all, these goodies are for you!)
Be kind to yourself. It’s very powerful to talk to yourself like your own best friend. I always find it helpful to call myself a pet name and acknowledge that I need some loving words. I speak to the baby girl in me, the one that needs an adult to look out for her, to help her relax, and to let her know it’s ok to take a break to feel what she feels. By separating your mind into the roles of “grown up’ and “baby” it also makes it easier to see your plight and allows you to assume the role of both protector and protected. It helps to clarifiy what we sometimes can’t see and it allows us to be ok with being needy and fragile.
Make 2023 the year you take care of yourself - before you break down - by acknowledging your needs from time to time. At first, it won’t feel natural or even enjoyable, so start with the easiest tip (snacks or a cup of tea) and work up to full, indulgent rest days and caring words. Every little bit counts and every little bit helps as you work towards putting your needs first every day.
