I’ve heard a theme recently in my coaching sessions: “I wish my boss was more….xyz.” From supportive, to intuitive, to empowering…each of my clients wishes that their boss was able to give them more in their boss/report relationship.

My clients are high-level leaders who, one might assume, need little from their boss since they’re already operating at an elevated level. That may be true to a point, but as long as one has a boss, one usually has needs that only their boss can fulfill. In this equation there are two components: the boss and the high achieving report. The boss needs to keep their high-achiever engaged and supported so that he or she can do his or her best work and get solid results for the company. Then there is the report: the person who has unique needs, requirements, and desires for their own engagement to be personalized, their growth to be maximized, and their boss to give them the room they need to flourish.

The problem is, in my role as coach, I am not working with the boss. I cannot coach that person to change, evolve, or improve their relationship with their report. Since I often work with the report I focus on creating space to empower him or her to ask for what they need from their boss. This is a big concept. One would hope that the boss they admire is savvy enough to identify each of their report’s individual needs, but it doesn’t work that way.

Bosses are people who manage a group of equally high achieving individuals; they’re not robots programed to understand your inner thoughts Their approach may satisfy most of their reports’ needs but not all. This means that the report needs to raise her hand and ask for what she needs, rather than waiting for the boss to someday realize it. In addition, as a high achiever, you may be exceeding expectations! If you’re already crushing it, the boss my not realize that you have additional goals or areas of improvement you’d still like to confront. It’s human nature to assume that someone who is excelling already has everything he or she may require…if there are gaps your boss may never know unless you say something.

The first thing I address with some of my clients is resentment towards a boss who is seemingly blind to their needs. It may feel like you’re not being seen or your needs are being actively unacknowledged, which may feel pretty crummy. It’s important to move that resentment to the side because it will block you from expecting more from your boss. It’s important to identify your feeling and acknowledge that your boss simply doesn’t know exactly what you - a high performing asset in their company - may specifically need. In a study about high performers, the higher the performer, the more specific feedback they desire from their boss. So you need to let your boss know specifically what is motivating or helpful to you.

Then you must ask yourself: What do I actually need? What would help me to grow? Is it more exposure to people, meetings, processes? Is it more time to innovate? Is it more responsibility in a new area? Whatever it is, it is up to you to share the specific things you want to grow and learn from your unique boss while in your specific role. You’re the only one who knows exactly what would keep you engaged, what is compelling and invigorating for you to take on, and what will keep you hungry and satisfied in your role. So you must share this crucial information with your main support: your boss.

Stating your needs is a great display of authority and integrity. By stating “this is what I need from you” or “this is what I need to work on” you’re demonstrating a powerful display of self-awareness, ownership, and empowerment. And by confronting and negotiating the terms of this need, task, or responsibility you are curating your own leadership path…which is what your boss truly wants from you. Your boss wants you to be engaged and lit up by your work; stating your needs helps her understand exactly what that will work for you.

For the bosses reading this there are two simple things you can ask your reports to ensure they’re engaged and empowered in their own leadership roles, and that you’re giving them the support they require from you:

• What are your goals for yourself in this role?

• What do you need from me to achieve them?

When you start asking questions about your report’s vision and needs your report will start to see that having needs is a reasonable ask. This stimulates conversation and deepens your connection, both important aspects of the boss/report relationship.

Always remember, you can build a better boss by sharing your needs. All it takes is a little courage and authority for you to state what you need, and then you can embark on getting those needs fulfilled, and feeling more secure and supported in your role.

Note:

Unfortunately, not every boss will be interested in your growth. If your boss is not receptive to you and not someone you can build up you may feel a bit stuck. And if you’re dealing with a demeaning boss or a toxic organization, check out the Toxic Leadership Toolkit for resources.